At The Cross

Oh Lord You’ve searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now (x2) 

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done (x2)

And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
Oh.. I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now? (x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done (x4)

 

 

 

I know you love me despite me failing You, again and again, for N times.
I know every tears that I shed, is precious in Your eyes. 

Lord, give me the peace in my heart, and comfort my heart.

I’ve tried to forgive and forget again and again..
I might be fine today, but down again another day
My moodswings is like tsunami 
I have no idea what is going on with me.

No one can help me
Not even Myself
Only You

Oh Lord, to You, I cried out
Can You hear me?
I want to get out of this
Take away everything that is not in your plan for me

and

Help me to stay in what you’ve planned for me

too desperate to show off his…

what do u think he is showing off? my goodness. damn he is showing his private part in friendster. 

usually in friendster when someone added me *esp guys*, i’ll see browse thru his friends list. some guys, they have all the pretty, hot and cute chicks in their friend list. People like this are usually ignored by me. then, while i was looking at this guy’s pic, suddenly i came across this pic of him showing off his pathetic little dicky. MUAHAHA! 

Im lucky because I saw his picture in my room instead of at public place, if not people might think im too desperate.. *phew.. * YES, im so gonna report ur pic to friendster!! muhaha!

and there’s this girl tat looks the most, 15 yrs old. posting a lot of testimonials in this guy’s wall. oh my goodness, what has this guy done to this girl? *imagining….. showing off his little bird thru webcam to this girl *….. oh no, this girl’s mind must have  been contaminated by this guy. Lord Jesus, help the girl!

http://profiles.friendster.com/90919279

just in case.. u wanna see how this guy looks like. 
sigh..
I know im very bad, spreading bad things about this guy.. but.. Goodness, i think this kind of ppl should be… stone till they are mandul.

some people are just too free

am writing this emotionally and quite angrily.

 

A : eh… do u think that is her bf?
B : looks like it le..
A : wah.. she looks like that also manage to get a bf a?

C : eh.. u know what, yday hor, i saw XXX and YYY arguing at ZZZ…
D : seriously?? WOw.. i tot they are always very lovely
C : yala.. the guy summore bla bla bla

 

E : u know what, i saw this girl from faculty A studying in faculty B’s library today. with ZZZ summore..
F : really??
E : yala.. the girl even read newspaper in the library.. and she brought so little book to library..

* sweat, reading newspaper in library can be a problem to somebody*

 

all these conversation sounds very familiar right?
c’mon people.. enough of all these.
it’s exam period. u have nothing better to do than to bother about ppl’s relationship with who and who is it?

if someone hurt u before, personally, i think it’s still okay that u share with frens who can keep their mouth shut instead of spreading it to the whole world.. or do u just feel super nice when the WHOLE world knows that this guy / gal hurt u before?  

 

oh ya, some people just think that im retarded or insensitive when they are actually whispering to their frens about me right infront of me..

pls la, do i even know u? *if u know me in person, why not talk to me straight*
why u bother who likes me or not?
or, who i like?
*BGR issue is a very hot topic for most of us* 

and.. im open enough for u to come and talk to me face to face *nicely* what’s the point of u talking behind/spreading about someone’s wrong doing or things that pissed u off?
and u never get him/her to correct it? tell the fella straight la.. u people have the brain to come in to UM, but sadly, not the brain to deal with people. *childish*

some people, they have problem with people who is bbrave enough to stand up for what they believe in, or to voice out their poinst. Malaysia needs more people like this okay.
we need to voice out or thoughts at times in order to see improvement. 
weird, why r u observing so much about who the person is going out with/doing if u dun like him/her?

im not saying that i don’t gossip. I do, when i lost my self-control for not gossiping. but i always tell myself not to, especially SPREADING bad things about people. we are not here to judge, to advise maybe la.. 

lastly, i thank you all for whatever concern that u guys / gals have for me. but i prefer u come to me, and tell me right to my face, nicely. terima kasih banyak banyak.

Racism. “我是華人”; “Saya orang melayu”.

it’s a long one, i really hope u guys will take ur time, and read this.. this doesn’t happen only in his faculty, it happens everywhere.. im with him, who else?
btw, “sign” the previous blog ya.. cuz i really want to know who is reading my blog. thinking of making this a private blog as well.

 

My Heart Bleeds by Tim..

…for this nation.
I can’t sleep. It is 2.30am.
I know people are gonna get mad at me writing this, but it’s right from the heart.
And I’ve been silent too long.

***

I enrolled in Universiti Malaya two years ago as a medical student.

And realised what a sheltered life some of us live. Through our orientation by seniors, I realised how racist my surroundings were. We juniors were taught to get to know seniors from our OWN race, before the others. And so we graduate, hardly getting to know our seniors from other races. 
One senior tells of her experience:

“Hi senior, my name is XXX”
“Why you greeting me? I’m not of your race lah.”

Mind you I’m not referring to any particular race but making a general statement. This is tradition, so says everyone.

As the faculty does not release past year questions, students memorise questions out of the exam hall and compile them into a book. This past year questions then become one of the main reasons for a junior to join this orientation system – to get the past years. And yup, therefore the past year memorising is also done by races and you have the malay past years, the chinese past years and the indian/bumiputera past years (which is compiled from their malay/chinese friends that are nice to pass some to them. or they find someone’s book lying somewhere)

Being the abnormal/weird one that I was, I suggested that we combined with the indians and the bumiputera students to memorise the questions. Tried it for the last semester of first year. And after that got blasted nicely by the seniors who made us promise:

- that we will never share with other races
- that we will never memorise with other races
- that we will never bring this issue up again

Campus elections came and went and I was elected as student representative of the faculty with one of my promises: to tackle this issue of racism.
And one day I came to my senses (credit given to a batchmate too, Satpal) and I thought, why shouldn’t we just have one student society? Instead of having:

- Medsoc (medical society)
- PSIPUM (persatuan siswa-siswi islam perubatan universiti malaya)
We should just have ONE medical student society.

And combining efforts in the past year questions thing would be the first step to do that.

Instead of:
Why should we share and memorise questions together?

Should the question NOT be:
Why CAN’T we share and memorise questions together?

***

And so I decided to bring the matter to some friends and the student in charge of coordinating the chinese past years. The more I talked to my friends, the more of this answers I got:

“Actually can lor…just that must see the majority…and then leh..the seniors how ah?”

A bit of history: Students 4, 5 years ago used to memorise questions together. Why did we suddenly change? I don’t think our seniors from many years ago would be against this. If my history is wrong, then forgive me.

***

Anyway, tonight came and as my chinese batchmates sat in front of me, I futilely explained my suggestion..aand I realised my fault. I had forgotten about THE PROMISE. And some said “Past years are not the only way to unity.” Really hmm? Why is it that I still see people speaking in mandarin in front of your friends? Why do you not take any interest in PSIPUM activities? The FIRST step to unity, or to helping to change the faculty, would be these past year questions.

And so we voted.

And as I watched 95% of friends putting up their hands against the idea of sharing…

my heart bled.

Tears would have fallen but they somehow didn’t. I couldn’t believe my eyes. 

SO…we are back to square one. I now realise that people just aren’t mature enough or prepared to see the long term benefit in sharing. Many do agree and feel that it is the best for all of us. But not everyone is as foolishly brave as me. I’m thinking to myself…what do I do then? Do I still follow the rest of the chinese? And how do I do that when I’m trying to stand for unity? Should I comply for the sake of peace?
For not following the chinese would mean that I’d probably be: kicked out of the orientation/buddy line system; which would affect my current first year buddy, etc.

“You’ll lose all your friends, don’t do this.” 
I think I’ll find my TRUE friends after this.

“You are still part of us! Although I don’t agree with you….we will not disown you…appreciate your contribution.”

“No matter what the outcome, you are always part of us, friends, nothing will ever change this fact, neither ideology, culture, religion nor race.”

“When an idea cannot run, you need to think of a new one.”

“Theoretically I agree with you.”

Thank you all for those encouraging messages.
So maybe I have failed. Failed to think of a BETTER idea. No problem. I am not going to let 5 years of medical school slip by without TRYING to change things.

***

Who is to blame then?
A lot of underlying problems.
The chinese are angry cos only 10% of non-bumiputeras are allowed into matriculation. 
But don’t they see that before this it was 0%?
They don’t agree that there is a society for islamic medical students; they assume that the malays get special help from their lecturers.
We have the medical society, which has a chinese president for a year, then an indian, then a chinese, etc.
The malays are upset cos the chinese take their past year questions but don’t want to share their own. The chinese can make announcements in mandarin right in front of them. 
The indians and bumiputeras are frustrated because they don’t have enough people to memorise questions.
We sit and eat in the dining hall according to our races.
And the list goes on and on.

***

Who is to blame then?
The system has conditioned us to BE racist.
For example: Filling any sort of form, will require you to put:
- religion
- race
And so we have this definition of people according to their race.

We only speak the language that we are most comfortable with. And that separates us. Students don’t mix with people from other races, simply because they find it hard to talk to them. If you’re a non-mandarin speaking chinese, you naturally have your own english-speaking friends.

Malaysia is a multi-racial society and must also be multi-lingual.
Languages, not A language, will unite us.
Unfortunately the education system is not there yet.

Some of us go for biro tatanegara camps, and slide shows are put up saying, “Melayu itu tuan.”
We get mad when people get mad about teaching math and science in english.
We think bumiputera special rights for is unfair.
We don’t like it when the chinese are more successful in making money than the rest.
We can’t stand it when we hear the “azan” (muslim call to prayer).
We don’t like to wear the baju kebangsaan just because it’s a baju melayu.
We say we will never have a non-malay prime minister.
We think we will never have a non-malay education minister.
We don’t like the “baca doa” before ceremonies.
We throw the ISA at people that try to speak up.
We are frustrated that there are so many mosques and “surau”s everywhere but relatively much less places of worship of other religions.
We make a big fuss about using the word “Allah”.
And so on.

***

So I’m living in utopia, someone said. My ideas are all unreal isn’t it? Too ideal maybe?
“Just accept lah. Life’s like that. Always bad.”
Humans naturally gravitate towards their own race. I suppose we just have to accept it huh?

But friends, we are either: 

FOR or AGAINST something.

And it can only be:

RIGHT or WRONG

***

And as I sit here at 3.30am, with a big sigh, I wonder again:

Is there NO HOPE for Malaysia?

Again I ask: who is to blame?
No one is to blame, but ourselves. Yup, including me.

Something must be done. Let’s start.
And not give up.
Who’s with me?

What will YOU do?

Plodding on,
Timothy.

 

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=573405147&v=app_2347471856&viewas=1197271418

Just “sign” it

im just wondering who is reading my blog. 

 

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people, i just want to get to know u incase u are my long lost fren, or my primary schoolmates.. whoever u r.. if u r reading.. can u pls…. just drop a comment ( signature )

 

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衷心的祝福

４月８號

在我最需要鼓勵的時候，傷得比我還嚴重的你來安慰我，謝謝你。
你，好嗎？不好待在那裡太久，會發霉的．．。

生日快樂．希望你每天都快樂。

 

 

４月９號
寶貝roommate 和我
真的很高興能在第一學期就和你同房。不知不覺，我們已經互相影響彼此的性格。＊是件好事吧？＊ hope u like my birthday present and all the birthday surprises! love u lots!! 

 

４月１０號

在馬大，第一個認識到的medic朋友
謝謝fragments! 謝謝你的咖啡！
還記得，因為我折Fragments 的booklet方法，你說我聰明！哈哈哈！！
＊我的記性很好的噢＊
去到klang要好好照顧自己．＝）
God bless u brother =) 

 

 

14th April

see u are the special one.. writing this in english. ish. 
happy birthday charles. im grateful to know u better this year.. hope to bond deeper in the future.. or.. maybe, in May? =p

see ya SOON! huhuhu 

 

４月２４號
咪，
謝謝你把我生得這麼健康
謝謝你犧牲你的身材，給我５個弟妹
謝謝你讓我去ＩＣＯＭ，花了這麼多＄＄
謝謝你讓我有這麼好的物質享受
謝謝你讓我去三德念書，還買了車和第二架琴給我
謝謝你讓我在一年裡，去了３次新加坡 
謝謝你在我小時候逼我彈琴
謝謝你在我身上花的每一仙
謝謝你在打罵我們後，偷偷幫我們搽 lotion
謝謝你為我們掉的眼淚

生日快樂咪！身體健康．．每天都快樂．．
我們愛你！！